How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
