So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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