I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
