I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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