i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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