Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
