Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
