I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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