your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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