did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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