are you still at the devil's house?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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