Kiss
Puke
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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