tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize