But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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