I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
