I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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