I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
