So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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