I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
