another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
