my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
