I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
