What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
