i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
