do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
