i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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