I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
