Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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