My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
