Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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