Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm sobbing to NWA
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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