I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize