Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
