The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
