Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
