was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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