Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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