i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
So. Much. Porn.
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