What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
