A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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