i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
