So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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