Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize