Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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