My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize