Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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