M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
