so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She's just so happy...and so naked.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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