I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
