we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
