I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
