I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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