he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
