Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
