Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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