i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
