I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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